Become an accountant: Save the world and still get weekends off

by windrose© Copyright windrose. All rights reserved. (709 words)

Behind every hero is an accountant trying desperately to figure out how to pay for it all. Superheroes may look impressive in their spandex and capes, flying off to save the day, but, believe me, less than one in ten has even a glimmer of a clue how to balance a checkbook.  I should know. I run a private agency devoted to keeping our heroes solvent.  I’d tell you the agency name but you wouldn’t recognize it. Next to their identities, the biggest secret in the “save the world” biz is that saving said world is not nearly as “not for profit” as most would like to believe.

 

 

“Yes, ma’am, that is our standard fee for rescuing your cat from a tree.”

“Yes, ma’am, next time you could leave the cat up the tree and let her figure out how to get down on her own. We generally recommend that approach, in fact. However, in your case, she was cornered up in that tree by a spider hybrid from Dilithium 3. Removing the alien carnivore from your property incurred an additional fee.”

“Yes, ma’am, you could have let the alien carnivore just eat the cat. Of course, it would probably have followed up that appetizer by trying to enter your home and eat you. They are known to do that.”

“Well, ma’am, for dangerous carnivores like that there is usually a bounty. You could turn in the carcass to your local city hall and claim the bounty. That would offset a large part of our fee. “

“No, ma’am, I’m afraid you are on your own with your car insurance company. We don’t generally recommend jumping into your car in a panicked attempt to flee from carnivorous aliens, since you are much more likely to get into an accident while attempting to flee than you are to actually escape.”

“Yes, ma’am, you could claim mitigating circumstance caused by the alien attempting to eat your beloved household pet. I’m not sure that would be enough for the accident to be covered under the superhero protection rider to the policy, however.”

“Oh, you don’t have that rider.”

“’Too expensive and you’ve never had a problem before.’ I understand. Unfortunately, that means you’re definitely going to be on your own there. In fact, I wouldn’t even mention the cat-eating alien. Not only would the insurance company not pay, they might cancel your policy and label you a ‘high risk’.”

“Oh, they did. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yes, ma’am, we can certainly work out a payment schedule since now you have a car to replace as well.”

“Yes, ma’am, at least the cat is safe. And since you no longer have a tree in your front yard, she’s unlikely to get stuck up in it again.”

“Thank you for calling, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

 

I have that conversation – or some variation of it – at least three times a day, sometimes per client. You would think people would keep a closer eye on their pets. Me, I just have goldfish. They’re less likely to get stuck in a tree – or to chase a fledgling mutant with shaky control over his newly awakened powers. Reverting a 6-legged dog with 8 eyes, scales and fiery flatulence back to normal is not cheap.

Hang on, I’ll be right back. I need to catch this news report. Looks like one of our guys is having a major throw down in the business district. Oh dear, that’s going to cost some big bucks. I count one, two, three…  Damn, five trashed cars. At least one engulfed completely in flames. Looks like major damage to two stores and one office building. Ah hell, and he’s completely shredded yet another costume! I thought making them of unstable molecules was supposed to make those more durable, not less.  I hope he catches the guy at least this time. The reward should cover most of these expenses. I hope those businesses are insured. Otherwise, I’ll be fielding irate phone calls from people all next week.  I need more coffee. This is going to be a long night.